Welcome to the Cult's Doctrine Page. Here you will read of the beliefs of the Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple. Those serious about blindly following the way of the Cult along the path most sketchy ought to read this page in full!
Apple innovated all current computer technology. ALL of it!
Apple's CEO Steve Jobs is our deity, bringing innovation, style and unthreatening speeds to the common man (common in this respect being upper-middle-class), and ruthlessly culling technology that has become integral to beige machines.
Bill Gates is an Evil Overlord. He is the beast. He is all cultures' equivalent of the Devil. He creates beige products for beige consumers - the lower classes. He turns people into drones and sucks all life and choice from them. He is the most evil man to have walked the Earth.
Apple's technology is fast. Speed is not defined by time, nor achievement. It is not defined by processor clock speeds. It is defined by marketing 'scripture' from the offices and orifices of Apple.
Think Different! - do not observe the norm, but differ from it. For normality is beige.
The World cannot function without Apple.
All professionals use Apple Macs. Therefore, all Mac users are professionals.
PC's are difficult to use and PC users are morons.
Colors make a computer work better.
Humour is only to be enjoyed by Mac users. Should someone's sense of humour verge on anti-Mac slander - do all you can to ensure the offending individual is aware of your annoyance. Publicly, it is not to be considered annoyance so much as disinterest.
Apple Macs make art wonderful.
Nothing creative has ever been achieved on a PeeCee.
Witness to the heathen PeeCee users regardless of your experience in using either Macs or PC's
Insist on your favourite colors. Color is important.
Never settle for a computer that looks like a computer. It must either appear to be something else or have been designed almost entirely with a french-curves stencil. Note, when you take home your apple product, if when turned on it does no more than illuminate the room, you have actually bought a real desk lamp.
Always buy Apple products, never Gates Hardware. But if you have to use Windoze programs there's a perfectly good substitute called "virtual PC". This will provide you with sufficient experience to witness to PC users and claim you have used windows. "Virtual PC" will work as unreliably as a PC only it will be better because it's on a Mac. Please be sure not to line Gates' pockets, use pirated versions of his programs only. This will further enhance your "Windoze Experience".
Treat PC users and their devilishly fast machines with disdain.
Opinions aired by a Mac user are far more valid than anything provided by a PC user. Even if it is hard cold fact!
Claim that Bill Gates or any other troll is Gay.
Though you should never admit it, you should adopt an elitist manner. Remember, you are a Mac user and as such should be proud of the status it brings. Not everyone would dare to own a Mac. Not everyone can afford to!
Confuse the audience where possible either with random 'facts' or self-contradictions.
Call PC users Gay at any given opportunity. If the user in question is gay, call them stupid.
Everything you say must be the truth if only in your own head.
Frequently use endearing terms like Troll, Clone, Drone, PeeCee, Windoze, Beige Box etc
If uncertain of your facts, be sure to ramble in conversation, or refrain from using a common language or punctuation in writing.
Never make it clear what your point is. If you are pulled up later for a comment, you can claim that the accuser either wasn't listening or is too stupid to get it.
If your point isn't made, do what you can to disrupt future discussion.
Remember, propaganda is the same as fact unless it is PC propaganda. Also note that the Switch campaign was a series of truly revealing stories of real people - not a desperate attempt to win people over.
If found to be at a stalemate in the discussion, always bring up the Windows blue screen of death regardless of its relevance.
Deny the existence of any Mac operating system prior to OSX as these are now our smutty little secret. To outsiders, Apple has been consistently reliable since the invention of the first computer ever!
If your arguments fail you, put yourself before the Apple. Lay your own dignity and respect on the line to divert attacks to Apple Mac. This can usually be achieved saying something so obviously thick that even a Gates Clone will spot it, and then receiving the fire.
If you cannot rally support for your comments, where possible, rally to your own aid, or pay someone else to.
Point out the inadequacies of PC users. They are usually poor and have never been to school. They have only ever used Macs at college. They are Gay. They are too stupid to have a Mac. They are lower class. They use floppy disks. They have beige machines.
If all else fails, try one of the killer lines: PC's and Macs cannot be compared. They are too different. OR. PC users are just jealous of Mac users because they don't have Macs.
Whatever the PC users comeback, dedicate yourself to fighting them. Ignore all their points and continue to fight back with whatever you have or don't have in your arsenal. Persistence and tenacity are key!
Unless your intention is to join the inner circles of the Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple, your basic obligation to the Cult is relatively simple:
Buy as many Apple products as possible to add additional texture to Steve Jobs Wallet.
Use Apple Macs at every given opportunity and avoid using anything to do with Bill Gates and beige machines.
Defend Apple to the best of your ability.
Follow traditional ceremonies as published by the Cult.
Meet occasionally to drool over the various forms of the differing models of Mac available. Groups can range in size but the bigger the group, the better the hymns will sound.
These guides will provide you with all you need to know. There are initiations to the inner circles, punishments, example setting, S&M for the hell of it, secret meetings, unmentionable acts of indecency, passwords, rude words, acts of prostration, eating of meals, call ups, forced relations etc, but you only need know about these things in depth when they apply to you (member or not).
On the issue of prayer - it is unnecessary because even if Steve Jobs could hear you, he'd probably not listen. He still hasn't returned my calls or e-mails, bless him. But if you want to pray to gods of other religions in support of Steve and Apple, we can use all the supernatural help we can get!
February will see Jobsmass. Details will follow closer to the time.
All religions have their sacred artefacts and icons. We at the Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple are no different, though we insist we do think different! What follows are the icons and objects important to our blind trust.
Cult Logo (See main Cult page).
Representations/images/icons of our dark lord; Steve Jobs.