Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple - Steve Jobs

Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple

 

~Guestbook~ ~Entries~

Last Updated: September 14 2002

 

Welcome to the section that relives those wonderful moments in the guestbook that pertained to The Cult. Here you will find the original texts of the hymns as well as all other comments leading up to and in response to The Cult.

Many of our most devoted followers have been critiqued by the heathen Kin Wicked. We shall pity his foolish actions...and call him gay. It is the way of The Cult. However, if you ignore the heathens own biased ramblings then you can splendour in the comments and propaganda provided by "The Ward", "Clay" and "Naked George" by going to the Chicken's Hall Of Fame.

To operate this section smoothly, it has been suggested by Electric Chicken that we should color code the comments. Initially I thought it was a stupid idea as it came from a PC user, but then my friend Geoff suggested it as well. Geoff uses a Mac so I said yes. Also, we Mac users really appreciate a bit of color! So the Cults comments will be in Purple, the heathens and other non-cult comments will be in Grey, and if I feel I need to chip in somewhere to explain something, then I'll do it in a nice sort of cyan colour like that lovely blue they made the iMacs in originally. Read on now...

 

O where to begin. I suppose we ought to start with the man that inspired us to formalise ourselves into a church. That would be "The Ward". Though not our founding member, it was his comment and his blind followers that congealed us into The Cult. To get all of his ministerings, follow the link above to visit the Hall of Fame. We shall start here with those comments that directly preceded my own very first comment


Name: The Ward
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Sent: 18.41 - 11/6

Hi edg,

Nice to see you stopped by. Excellent point about the virus problem... or lack of on a Mac. I've never even heard of any Mac user I know getting ANY sort of virus. And when I get emails from my PC friends warning about nasty viruses floating around I just let out a soft chuckle. I have a Mac, I'm immune.

LarryInFL


Name: I agree with The Ward
Sent: 11.21 - 13/6

The Ward has a good point. He has just single handedly changed my opinion of Macs. I don't hate Macs, I just prefer to use PCs. And as for all of you Mac users out there with a ram rod up your ass, loosten up, IT'S A JOKE!


Name: Edg
Sent: 15.44 - 13/6

"One more thing about the viruses. I bet all the viruses for Windows were written by jealous Mac users with the purpose to ruin Bill Gates and Windows. (Fuck you Mac users)" Come on, you think a virus would ruin bill gates, Melissa, I love you and many a worm hasn't. And why would we bother? If we were virus coders, we would have the same problems as PC's, we code for good.

edg


Name: The Ward
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Sent: 16.11 - 13/6

Hi All,

I just wanted to replay to two quick things others have mentioned.

First, some PC users are saying that the fact that Mac OS X is no big deal, and that you have been able to run UNIX on PCs for years. Well it is true that you have been able to use UNIX on a PC since forever and a day. But would you want to use it on your desktop computer to get your work done? Hells no! It would be some much more complicated and complex that you wouldn't know what to do with it. Even more complex than Windows. None of your software would work on it either, AND more than likely ALL of the programs you use on your PC would not run in a UNIX system, because the technology is totally different. So for all consumers out there that use there computers for home use or even business would never be able to use UNIX, until now. Apple OS X is pure UNIX with a beautiful and easy to use shell over it. Windows is DOS with a half assed shell over it that is no were near as stable. And for ease of use... the difference is amazing. You haven't experience a modern operating system until you open your apps from the user-friendly dock or browsed your files in 'columns' view in OS X. Its just such an easy, stable and beautiful thing. But what is the big deal with UNIX some ask? Well it is, without a doubt, the most STABLE AND POWERFUL operating system in the world. Bar-None.

Second point is the whole virus thing. Although there are some Mac viruses in existance, you more than likely will never experience one. Compared to the 10's if not 100's of thousands of virus for windows, there are probably a no more than a few hundred for the Mac. PC viruses don't affect Macs, and Mac virus don't affect PCs. Still with the numbers in my favor, I'm more than happy to stay with Mac. Where I work, a publishig company, there are two Macs and several PCs. I have had to clean viruses from every PC in the office. Yet the Macs chug away, error and virus free. The Macs are nearly 0% maintenance, unlike the PCs which I have to repair several times a month.

Just another two cents.

LarryInFL


Name: The Ward
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Sent: 16.19 - 13/6

Thank you 'I agree with The Ward', you just made my day. I'm glad someone actually thought about what I have said. :o)


Name: Brian Biggins
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Sent: 14.49 - 14/6

To The Ward.

I Love my mac so much and I think you know EVERYTHING about computers. I think I luurve you Mr. White-trash. Can we meet up and have more sex than your little ol' man-gina can take? I've got a 13 inch plug-in that would fit SO good in you, honey-buns. C'mon Baby...WHO'S YOUR DADDY!

Sweet lord, I want a peice of your ASS! Bend it this way baby, that's right!

Your not so distant lover, BRIAN!!


Name: Donald
Hometown: wouldnt you like to know
Sent: 14.58 - 14/6

I've been following "the ward"'s comments with somer interest. I would be most appreiciative if I could be enrolled in your unholy church of the sacreligios apple. Perhaps our friend , Brian could join as master of ceremonies, you know, toasting the virgin over melting PC's, that sort of thing. Then afterwards we can roll around cackling amongst the ashes, while brian butt-fucks you - obviously, and talk about how obvious it is that all PC users are inbred fools, because they have to have three mouse buttons and a dull single colour to their machines...er...and they have lots and lots of virus's too...so I read.

Take us oh leader to the place of wisdom that is your office, where the PC's crash and the the unused macs dont require any maintenance. I had a car I never used and that didn't need any maintenance either...funny that. I called it Apple.

Aaaaanyway! get back to me soon, me little cherrub! Let me know what you think about the church. Should it be high-church, evangellical, or perhaps just informal. I have some hymns prepaired if you'd like to conference about it...

Donny


Name: Electric Chicken
Sent: 19.10 - 14/6

Hello, Chicken here. I would also like to join the Apple cult, but I first have to rid myself of the shackles of the PC cult. To be honest I'm very ashamed to be a member, afterall, PC's are beige and are only good for typing text documents and doing accounting. We also all worship Bill Gates, obviously, and cannot think for ourselves.

One question: if I do join the Apple church, do we really all have to spend three hours each morning kissing the shapely curves of the G4, or can we actually get on with some proper work?

PS. I'm not at all keen on all that rolling around in ashes and the other stuff Donnie mentioned.


Actually, in answer to Chicken's question, yes, I'm afraid that as much time as can be spared must be devoted to fondling the form of your computer. It's the erotic charge we get from it that increases our intimacy with the machine, so I've been told. Or read. Or something.


Name: Donald
Sent: 06.33 - 15/6

Ah hello again, its meself, Donny!
About those hymns:

Please sing this to the tune of "Bread of Heaven"

My machine, crashes every day now,
I have to rebuild from scratch.
If I bought a Mac I'd be much poorer,
But the machine would look nice for the cash.

It may be, just about as unstable,
It may take longer just to boot.
But when its down, or I'm bored and switch it o-off,
It look nice in the office. Yeah! Real cute!

(Chorus)
ITS AN APPLE
ITS AN APPLE
OH! THANK GOD IT ISNT BEIGE (ISNT BEIGE)
FOR THIS, I'LL WASTE ALMOST ALL MY WAGE!

On the net, we found an iToilet,
We thought that it looked really great.
Then we read, the troll-author's information,
We missed the joke and began to hate.

Dont they know, it's not all just computers,
This is all our lives involve.
An attack to my mac, is such a violation,
To call him gay is our resolve.

(Chorus)
ITS AN APPLE
ITS AN APPLE
OH! THANK GOD IT ISNT BEIGE (ISNT BEIGE)
FOR THIS, I'LL WASTE ALMOST ALL MY WAGE!

So we praise, our dark lord and creator,
Who brought out products that look sweet.
They may be slow, and overpriced in nature,
And will crush MS beneath our feet.

Gates is dumb. And yet he made a fortune,
Selling products that are too damned fast.
But they're beige and we do not understand them,
at least through design, Jobs broke the cast.

(Chorus)
ITS AN APPLE
ITS AN APPLE
OH! THANK GOD IT ISNT BEIGE (ISNT BEIGE)
FOR THIS, I'LL WASTE ALMOST ALL MY WAGE!

-------
Well, now that's just a rough version. We can tweak it later. I'm currently working on an adaption of Shine Jesus Shine, called Fry Bill-Gates Fry! Let me know what you think, Pastor Ward.

Kisses!

Donny.


Name: Chicken
Sent: 13.33 - 15/6

HAHAHAHA! That hymn was genius! Donny, you're upstaging me. Carry on!

And Chirrup, you've hit the nail on the head!


Upstaging? I'm not sure I understand him. He's really a very odd character, that Chicken!


Name: The Ward
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Sent: 21.59 - 15/6

Oh boy you guys keep making my point. You can't say anything constructive. You should give it a try sometime.

First of all...Chirrup...Ahhh, yet another UNeducated person posting untrue information. Macs are actually EASIER to upgrade. Of course you would actually know this, if you saw and opened a Mac these days. Everyone I know, including a ton of PC techs love the PowerMac for its amazing ease of use and upgrade. For instance I installed another hard drive into a G4 yesterday. It took me less than 60 seconds. The side of the machine is on a hinge. Pull a little lever, down comes the side of the machine and everything is right there in front of you. No screws, no need to remove anything or push anything out of the way. No PC is such a beautiful piece of equiptment. A true thought out marvel that PC manufactures have yet to dublicate. After plugging the hard drive in I closed the side and turned on the machine. That was it. The hard drive mounted without any problems. I didn't have to install any software, drivers, etc. Software is the same way on the Mac, much easier than you actually know. You were simply stating more uneducated opinions like so many do. Do your homework first please. I look forward to an educated opion in the future.

Secondly...Jackass...I know what the internet is run off. I do know its Linux. Where did that comment come from? I'm a web designer, I know that linux runs the internet. I run two linux PC for my webservers. Linux is great, its never crashed in the 3 years I've been running the servers. We agree on this one.

Third...Brian Biggins...First of all no, I have a beautiful girlfriend that I love. So I'll have to turn you down. I am actually extremely educated in technology and I'm trying to make some points clear. With a completed college education and nearlly six figure income I'm pretty sure I'm not a white trash, uneducated individual like yourself. Oh and I'm only 24, not bad for the white trash that you think I am. I would type more for you, but you're not worth it. I think your comment speaks wonders about you.

Fourth..Donald...I'll have to pass on the church idea, maybe you and Brian can start without me. You and Brian continue to prove my point. More stupid, useless comments. I believes its because you honestly don't have anything constructive to say. But then again what do I know? I'm a silly Mac users. After you graduate high school come back and leave some constructive comments.

If anyone notices I don't leave useless drivel as comments. I try to make points. I don't say PCs are crap, I don't tell people not to use them. Still people get affended and threatened by my educated comments. Sad... so very said. Any your comments have that 'I'm still in hight school' feel. Grow up and get something constutive to say. But knowing the kind of people you are your next comments will be some useless drivel about wanted to butt fuck someone. Or starting some foolish church to butt fuck Brian. You sure are an interesting bunch. You are drawn to read my comments because I actually know what I'm talking about and it pisses you off that I make good points and the ONLY things you can come back with is crap.

I look forwar to hearing from more of my fans, or should I say non-fans?

LarryInFL


I was left a little hurt and disillusioned by The Ward's comment here, but we soon won him round with sweeties (plus a full re-education program and a frontal lobotomy.)


Name: Kin Wicked
Hometown: Northants - UK - back off holiday
Sent: 02.34 - 25/6

my word! What an exciting couple of weeks it has been in the guest book. Mr. Chicken, it isn't that the Ward is cutting and pasting, it is just that he is running out of things to say. This 'Beautiful Girlfriend' of his is either deaf or of the inflatable variety as he only seems to have knowledge on the history of apple and other things computer, not to mention all the mac propoganda. Can you imagine the enlightened discussions around a nice candle lit dinner? How exciting. "Tell me again, larry. What is Steve Jobs' favourite apple 'flavour'?"

The thing is, that the Ward says in one breath that he wishes people would come here with enlightened opinions:
1/ He makes unenlightened opinions about those of us who post responses, ie about our ages and backgrounds.
2/ He condones unenlightened and pointless responses from his 'fans' which are pretty much along the lines of 'you're dumb' (petey-baby!!)
3/ He instantly feels that the iToilet is a poorly put-together skit on apple based entirely in fiction, and yet still spends the ensuing weeks posting responses

What REALLY tickles me though is how upset the Ward seems to be getting. I can't really talk for the case of Brian Biggins, but it just sounds as though you've found somone who really likes what you have to say and would like to persue a homosexual relationship with you. Frankly, he doesn't even sound as though he's one of ours (PC users).
You don't seem to like generalisations and yet you generalise all PC users as being akin to Brian. Maybe it was just someone taking the piss, but you still want to say that all PC users are alike!! How pitiful!

I must admit that donald also seemed to have riled you a tad. Why? If you are here to dispell Apple Mac myths, then why are you getting so upset about a few nicely aimed jokes.

I really and truly believe that you are missing the humour gland:

iToilet - Joke
Brian - Joke / homosexual fantasy
Donald - probably a joke...hopefully
Adolf Sikelhuber - Sick bastard whom I hope we don't see the likes of again - good call on that one!

None the less, it all points to the fact that you can't take a joke. The number of people in here who have said that they recognise the errors identified in the iToilet gag goes to prove that there are truthful elements. This says that you have either been blessed with well behaved macs and so feel deeply scathed by the thought that someone might mock the only stable thing in your life; or you also recognise the problems and feel upset that somone has publicised the problems.

Understand this, I have been imploring the Chicken to write a brief note to explain the inspiration for the iToilet to stop folks like you in their tracks. It's not just about the MACS. It's not just about the O/S's. It's also about the sorts of people who use them but don't know WHY they use them. Keeping/hording e-mails as I do, I have a string of mails from the chicken detailing all the niggling events that lead upto the publication of the iToilet and frankly they're almost as funny. With Steves permission and assitance I'dlove to get them up on the web so folks like yourself could understand.
I will say this: for those who create using a MAC, fairplay to them. I've used them and I really dislike them with the sort of annoyance associated with sewing whilst wearing boxing gloves. I love using my PC, and yet I hate my main O/S. I love creating Art in the form of prose and poetry, music, and 2D and 3D art. I'm developing my skills and am only too well aware that eventually, for professional purposes, I will have to switch to mac applications. Though this hangs heavy in my heart, I know that I will always have my PC to make me smile when I further my Personal port-folio. Right now, I couldn't give a swollen testicle about who prefers what system, when it comes down to it, it's the skills of the user that count for more, though broad experience can help alot.

This being said, it wont stop me coming into this guestbook and making fun of you. It's alot of fun. Just seeing you trying to defend yourself and apple over obvious jokes is actually more amusing than the jokes. Really though, if you want to continue to spread the word of the apple cult (I really hope we get to hear some more hymns from Donald...if you're out there!!!!) then fine, do it here if you like and we'll keep making fun. If you want to be taken seriously, then you're in the wrong place. Recognise a joke for what it is and if it's not to your taste, dont sit around waiting for the punchline, 'cause if you're not careful, you'll be it!

Kin Wicked


Here's another odd one. Kin Wicked, yet another dirty little heathen. For one thing, no, I'm not a joke. I'm very real and so is the Cult - Don't test the authority of the Cult or something nasty might happen to you! As for asking me to come back with more hymns, well I've always been pleased to, but I would have thought that it would not be in his best interest to have me come back and minister. These PeeCee Geeks are such an odd breed. But we'll have them one day!


Name: Pringle Crisp ** A fine example of the use of Cult doctrine. There is a place for you in the Cult!
Hometown: Tube
Sent: 13.49 - 25/6

I really like my applemac. If you continue to point out all the flaws in my Apple, I'm really going to have to resort to calling you gay. I am! My apple is not bethroom furniture. It's a computer with issues, and I'd appreiciate it if you didn't make fun of them.


Name: Donald
Sent: 22.41 - 25/6

Hello me little chick-a-dees. I'm back after having taken a little mission to get more people to follow the cult of the sacreligious apple.
I notice that our high priest and netcasting minister: The Ward hasn't been writing of late. I do hope he's not been converted to a Gates Clone!!!
Anyway, in his absense I think we should all join hands and sing an adaption of "All Things Bright And Beautiful" - the latest in my hymnal collective:
[Chorus]
All things bright and beautiful;
All Apples great and small.
All things priced with over-kill;
Steve Jobs made them all.

Each iBook that I open.
Each myth to which I cling.
He made, their gordy colours.
So I'll beleive anything!

[Chorus]
All things bright and beautiful;
All Apples great and small.
All things priced with over-kill;
Steve Jobs made them all.

For every time it crashes,
I smile and read a book.
Three chapters on, it's loaded,
Only an hour it took!

[Chorus]
All things bright and beautiful;
All Apples great and small.
All things priced with over-kill;
Steve Jobs made them all.

PC's are unusable;
More trouble than they're worth.
Though I've never used one,
I'll give them a wide berth!

[Chorus]
All things bright and beautiful;
All Apples great and small.
All things priced with over-kill;
Steve Jobs made them all.

Well, that's all for now. Please send me lots of good wishes, prayers, but above all money, as I prepare for Steve Jobs' next birthday...or Jobsmass. Remember your Jobsmass spirit next Jobsmass Day. Hang money from your iMac and roast floppy disks on an open fire. I'll be preparing a few traditional Jobsmass Carols for us all to sing in the comfort, solemnity and hermit-like lonliness gathered around our inbuilt low power tweeter that maks the mac a true multimedia machine.

Keep your ears open for such titles as:
Oh Come All Ye Gullible
We Three Macs, Inadiquate Are
and
a Little Wonky


Donny


Sent: 22.57 - 25/6

I WANNA JOIN I WANNA JOIN I WANNA JOIN I WANNA JOIN!!!!


I'm told that was the Chicken - he can't join - he is one of the uneducated opposition. I sometimes wonder about him. I really do!


Name: Bob ** Another wondrous example of how we should all compose ourselves. The cult takes it's hat off to you Bob.
Sent: 22.00 - 27/6


See, McDonalds has over x Billion served. Which means over x billion
people ate sh*t for breakfast, lunch or dinner.
And that's fine. Midiocre food for mediocre people. But it's just not for me.
There are a variety of reasons not to eat McDonalds. Bob in Wisconsin
doesn't eat it because of moral reasons: he is against the spread of
'global' (American) culture throughout the world, of quality, local
establishments being passed over in favor of some corporate
franchise. Sue in Zimbabwe doesn't eat McDonalds for ethical reasons:
she is a rabbit-food eating vegan who is against the Amazon
rainforest being burned down to make the land to raise the 'cattle'
that go into McDonalds 'hamburgers.' Judith in the Czech republic
doesn't eat McDonalds because of health reasons-- she doesn't feel
the need to shorten her lifespan, and she hears bizarre rumours about
what goes into McFood.
And those are all valid reasons...
....but they are not mine.
At the end of the day, i do not eat McDonalds because I am above
eating McDonalds. It is sh*t.
I prefer prime rib. And if I have to explain why I prefer prime rib
over ****, well then, we have a long day ahead of us, don't we! If it
needs explanation, then it is most likely you will never understand.
Windows has x billion served. And there are a plethora of reasons not
to use Windows XX. Phil in Nebraska might not use it because of moral
reasons: he is not 'down' with Microsoft's business practices,
bullying other companies and leveraging themselves into a Monopoly.
He doesn't want to give his money to 'the man.'
Laura in Holland doesn't use WinXX for political and cultural
reasons: she buys/uses the competition to ensure that there will
remain a 'competition' and to see what this hippy-dippy
techno-utopian cultural phenomena called 'open source' is all about.
And perhaps Vlad in Yugoslavia has been burned by WinXX before, and
refuses to shell out hundreds for such a product again, instead
turning to something either technologically superior (IE every other
OS out there for PC hardware) or something easier to use/navigate.
And those are great reasons.
But they are not my reasons. My reason is that WinXX is sh*t. It is
beneath me to use it.
A mediocre OS for mediocre people.
The best-selling OS product for the masses.. kind of the NSYNC or
Spice Girls of OSes. Or, a better analogy, the McDonalds of Oses.
Tripe for the masses who do not know better, who are so easily swayed
by marketing that they drink Pepsi after a nice jog in the nike shoes
and hilfiger tracksuit, who think that budweiser is beer, Kraft
single slices are cheese, Wonderbread is in fact 'bread,' and
Survivor/Jerry Springer are quality television. You know: idiots. The
unwashed masses. The ones who keep the McDonalds and Microsofts of
the world going.
And that's cool. To each their own. And most of them will never eat
'real' cheese or experience the flavours and variety of 'real beer.'
And they will never know what they are missing.
But it is not like I am some sort of peasant who doesn't have a
choice. I do not live in the ghettos, I do not subsist off of
handouts. I am not a beggar, and thus can afford to be a chooser. I
choose prime rib. I choose to use a Powerbook. I choose to run Linux
(technologically superior) and the Mac OS (ease of use) on it.
Because I am worth it. I am worth the few extra dollars for Shaftbury
Paul and Tim's. I am worth the few extra cents for a small wheel of
brie, or some feta for my salads and pasta, or a fresh loaf of
sourdough.
I listen to real music made by bands/groups the gained reputation
through talent, not sheer marketing force.
And if I have to explain my preference, if you just don't 'get it,'
then chances are you never will. If I have to explain why Windows is
beneath me, why McCrap is beneath me, why I don't wear Hilfiger jeans
or drink Molson Canadian (the Canuck equivalent to a 5% alchohol
Budweiser) or Mike's hard Lemonade or Rotting Grape wine....
Well, never mind. It shouldn't need explaining. If it does, you
should be embarrased, because the Clue Train left town, and you
missed it.


Name: Electric Chicken
Sent: 22.21 - 27/6

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! And there I was thinking all Mac fanatics were snobs!


We can't be snobs. We're just better than you. It's not your fault but that's why Mac users are here - to make the world a better place. You won't understand it yet Mr. Chicken, but we try our hardest to make you see the error of your ways.


Name: Shplishop ** Succinct and beautifully put. This is one of my favourite Apple quotes.
Sent: 23.58 - 7/7

I love my mac. PC users must be stupid because I love my mac. Only gay people use PCs. Theyre so dumb. Im not. I use a mac. So Im not dumb like PC users because I dont use a PC. I love my mac.


Name: Macs Rule!
Sent: 06.40 - 9/7

Ok, for all of you people that honestly think that windows is a good operating system: stand up. walk to the nearest window (pun not intened). Place one leg outside of it, then do so with the other. Then jump forward as far as you can. This works best while at 10 stories or higher. Apple makes computers the way they should be made, great! Along with OS X and the G4 they can not be beaten by any other OS or processor. So you can compare all you want, the Dual G4 running OS X is faster than any shitty ass Pentium chip out there and even faster than any AMD chip also. And for all you UNIX lovers out there (me included), OS X has BSD in it so you can fix your *nix crave while sitting on your almighty mac. So in closing, Windows sucks and so does this site. HAPPY MAILBOMBING!!!


This was written by a member of our militant wing. A crude point, but effective!


Name: Electric Chicken
Sent: 06.50 - 9/7

Yes. Thing is though, your little mailbombing thing is backfiring! lol!

PS. I've got your IP number as well.


Ah.


Name: Donald
Sent: 00.06 - 13/7

I know its been so very long since I last wrote. 'Tis a GREAT shame. Thought all you chappies would like to look at these lovely sites. I know the PC people will say it is all propaganda, but then isnt everything?

http://www.lowendmac.com/uk/010515.html
http://www.geocities.com/franktau/Bio.html

Anywho, just to fill you all in on the progress of the cult of the sacreligous apple, I have been busily preparing for the grand feast day known to us all as Jobsmass Day. Now remember, you only have 7 months of Jobsmass shopping to squeeze in. Steve Jobs, our exhaulted and esteemed icon, will only smile gleefully on those who spend 85% or more of their wages on apple products leading upto this day of great merriment. I'll not let him down, will you?

You may have seen recently in the news that we at the cult have had our very own "Toronto Experience". In fairness, it was the Skegness Experience, but we are now officially branching out into evangellical computing. So...TESTIFY, my brothers! SPREAD the Mac propaganda. BELIEVE that the mac is superior in all ways to any other piece of technology on the planet. FOLLOW BLINDLY, FOR THE TRUE PATH IS SKETCHY AT BEST!! (That's our new mission statement :-D)

We are now taking names and as always, huge donations, for the Mac-cult missionary. We intend going out to the developing nations and cornering the market by spreading the propaganda there and thus cornering the market before those WINTEL heathens get there first!! Everyone needs a Mac. EVERYONE! Just think how stylish those mud-huts will look with a nice new iMac, or at least a G4 Tower. Also a great chance for gifting has arisen. You can now gift your old mac products to the apple cult and we can sell them at the original price to the suffering third world contries. It is only right that they are given the opportunity to use an old apple. It's the start of a very steep learning curve, afterall!

So, now onto my regular installment from the cult's hymn book. This time, I would like you to all sing with me, the favorite: "I'll lead you all to give cash to me" ("Adapted", my dear Mr. Welsh, from the christian hymn: "I am the Lord of the Dance")

(CHORUS)
PART WITH YOUR MONEY UNTO ME.
I'LL GET RICH IF MY MACS ARE PRETTY.
SO I'LL LEAD YOU ALL, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE,
YES I'LL LEAD YOU ALL TO GIVE CASH TO ME.

At first my macs were as beige as PC's.
They were poor as everybo-o-dy could see.
The O/S was crap and has remained to be.
And still people give all the cash to me.

(CHORUS)
PART WITH YOUR MONEY UNTO ME.
I'LL GET RICH IF MY MACS ARE PRETTY.
SO I'LL LEAD YOU ALL, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE,
YES I'LL LEAD YOU ALL TO GIVE CASH TO ME.

We then made Apple appear totally new.
In came the designer who-o gave us a few clues.
Quasi-futuristic in a shade of blue,
to be followed up with other 'flavours' too.

(CHORUS)
PART WITH YOUR MONEY UNTO ME.
I'LL GET RICH IF MY MACS ARE PRETTY.
SO I'LL LEAD YOU ALL, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE,
YES I'LL LEAD YOU ALL TO GIVE CASH TO ME.

We all thought that Apple looked like a lady-shave.
Time to tell designers to stop messing and behave.
But in came the adverts and the punters did rave,
With an elitist regime in hope the MS would cave!

(CHORUS)
PART WITH YOUR MONEY UNTO ME.
I'LL GET RICH IF MY MACS ARE PRETTY.
SO I'LL LEAD YOU ALL, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE,
YES I'LL LEAD YOU ALL TO GIVE CASH TO ME.

Now we're moving o-on to a new design.
Out of shame the old depa-artment resigned.
Now we're using slate to make our products look fine.
No one seemed to notice that grey is our new line.

(CHORUS)
PART WITH YOUR MONEY UNTO ME.
I'LL GET RICH IF MY MACS ARE PRETTY.
SO I'LL LEAD YOU ALL, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE,
YES I'LL LEAD YOU ALL TO GIVE CASH TO ME.

The punters are still greedy and they want to see more.
And we have a surprise waiting on our drawing board.
We're bringing back beige and taking money by the score,
And it's leaving us laghing 'till our throats are soar!

(CHORUS)
PART WITH YOUR MONEY UNTO ME.
I'LL GET RICH IF MY MACS ARE PRETTY.
SO I'LL LEAD YOU ALL, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE,
YES I'LL LEAD YOU ALL TO GIVE CASH TO ME.


I hope you all joined in and gave it your best, now! There'll be more from the Cult Of The Sacreligous Apple soon. So Keep your eyes peeled.

Unfortunately, I have had to end this meeting on a slightly sadder note. Our High Preist "The Ward" of Fort Lauderdale, Florida has had to be declaired officially dead as we havent heard from him in so long. We will burn a floppy disk daily in rememberance of him. A possible sainthood might be in order for our first martyr.

Stay well, mac users. Stay well!

Donny


Name: Mack ** He tried so hard and we commend him for it. You are a good man, Mack.
Hometown: USA
Sent: 15.35 - 13/7

I is very not happy about his ad. It is rong. You is a narstee person 4 riting it. I dunt lik u. Mac is good. PC is stoopid. You is stoopid.


Name: Joseph Corrado
Hometown: Hoboken, New Jersey
Sent: 05.08 - 14/7

If Apple were to make a toilet, the beauty of it would be Ease of use, pretty powerful system, all in a Really Interesting and Very well made package. The windows toilet on the other hand would run significantly faster but of course it's full of manufacturer designed flaws forcing you to buy a new toilet quite often. Not to mention that they at the very least enjoy no appealing design characteristics at all.
That said...You stick to toilets and we'll stick to computers...
You windoze guys just don't get it do you...It's not about the destination for us...It's all about the journey. WE HAVE IT. YOU WANT IT. Why else would you waste all that time making a silly web site about toilets as a metaphor? So you go ahead fight your silly fight about megahertz and bus speed, we'll be right here...changing the world one machine at the time. Tally-ho I say. Must be that Island mentality.
Oh...by the way...My toilet IS beige, so I guess you win.


Name: Electric Chicken
Sent: 12.33 - 14/7

Do Apple sell just the G4 tower case on it's own? See because then all us PC users who want to fill that empty place in our soul (that clearly exists due to lack of a curvy computer) can solve the problem instantly! Simply purchase a G4 tower case, place your PC components inside it - which remember are identical to what's in a Mac, only faster - and there you have it! Fulfilment! Life with meaning! Finally!!

Oh, by the way, this means we would be able to join you Mac users on "The Journey". Let's just hope you don't get left behind...


Name: Electric Chicken
Sent: 19.09 - 14/7

And another thing Joseph, I'm not British, I'm from South Africa (you know, that bit of land at the bottom of Africa) so don't you "Tally-ho" me!


Name: William Dunderhead
Sent: 19.41 - 14/7

Wow> Talk about crap. This site is IT

You might consider checking review etc by non PC cultists about how good the MACS are and how they lead the industry in design etc,


Name: Steve
Sent: 20.16 - 14/7

And "non PC cultists" would be what? Mac fanatics? Your point is...?


Name: Donald
Sent: 22.17 - 14/7

I wouldn't normally involve myself in the petty arguments of the guestbook. Afterall, we mac users are above trying to justify ourselves as we have the simple get out clause of accusing all PC users of being jealous.

Infact I was more worried about Mr. Chickens last comment: "And "non PC cultists" would be what? Mac fanatics? Your point is...?".

Non-PC-Cultist = member of the Cult of the Sacreligous Apple.

Have you not read my previous entries? You said you wanted to join, but we have had to withdraw your application on the grounds that you successfully managed to point out the flaws of Apple. That will not do. Remember our mission statement:

FOLLOW BLINDLY, FOR THE TRUE PATH IS SKETCHY AT BEST!!

So as William Duderhead says, please do check out the cults reviews on apple. They are written by the true faithfulls; The Disciples, indeed. Those who would follow so blindly in the progress of Apple that even if they did make a toilet like yours, they would buy it!

Mr. Chicken. If you truely wish to join the Apple cult, you must remove the iToilet from the web, including the "adaptation" by Chubby Welsh, then come to our HQ where we will purge you of your sinful observations by flagelating you with USB cords, stoning you with obselete floppy disks, before uploading our righteous propoganda into you via the Firewire we will put in your bottom. We will then, AND ONLY THEN, consider allowing you to stand at the back of the crowd during our meetings. That's the deal!

We are the non PC cultists. We are Apple cultists. Welcome to the Cult of the Sacreligous Apple. For the "Real" people.

Donny


Name: Dana
Hometown: Ontario
Sent: 23.33 - 14/7

That was one of the funniest things I have ever read----thanks for the laugh


Name: Chicken
Sent: 23.39 - 14/7

Thanks Dana, but High Priest Dunderhead and Dark Lord Joseph don't agree with you. You've made them both very cross now!


Name: Dan Dickens **A fine example of blind faith! It makes me proud!
Sent: 18.06 - 16/7

This was cute in a mediocre and mildly funny type of way. Obviously the creator is an idiot who doesn't posses the capacity to use a truely superior computer, such as, the MAC. The idiot who created this also has idiots for supporters as furthered evidenced by the lame comments on this page.


Name: Morgan ** So wonderfully self gratifying! No evidence, just pure malice. Truly a student of our doctrine.
Homepage:
http://pixofsourgrapesfolks.net
Hometown: Boston, MA
Sent: 13.21 - 17/7

Please don't ever buy an Apple product. No high quality machine deserves to be touched by someone as desperately in need of a clue as you appear to be. Back away. Stick with Windows, PC machines. You'll be safer. They will think for you and help you to death--Bill's good for that.

And do NOT get near a Linux machine. No way. You'll bring down the whole global net.

Step INSIDE the box, bro. Cling to the archaic "para-diggum."

Have a Coke and a smile!

~M



Name: Kin Wicked
Hometown: Northants UK
Sent: 22.13 - 17/7

To "Captain Sideburns":

I can't tell you how pleased I am that you happened across this guestbook! Your views seem to complement those of mine and Steve's perfectly. Tell me; why is it, do you suppose, that so many mac-heads feel the need to belittle themselves with these pointless comments? You hit the nail on the head in your last comment. The common argument of "It's better 'cause it is" lacks a certain authority!! I personally think that there is a cult of mac users who form over-intimate relationships with their machines and so take to a joke like this as though you've just said that their wives are uglier than pig-shit. Scary, huh?

Some seem to be ok. More often than not they are amused by both images and commentary, but there are so many that seem obsessively attached to their mac...it's really odd. Plus alot don't seem to read any of the other comments in here. They dismiss the whole iToilet as PC Propaganda but don't take account of all the people who have identified with the problems highlighted. A prime example would be the account given by "bubblefly".

I don't mind banter with a mac person with sensible views and arguments, but then I've met so few!!

Kin Wicked


BTW: anyone have any clues what the hell "Jonathan Rychart" was going on about? I think a few sentance breaks would have been a good idea. Maybe some well placed punctuation?


I think he missed the point about us, didn't he? There is the said cult, it is us! The Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple! Sensible views? Our view is the ONLY sensible view. PC users are generally just cloned, unstylish, uneducated, lower class, jealous, idiots. I truly pity them and long for their company in the Cult. So what's not to get?


Name: John Schlosser **Contradictory, crude, without justification! It brought a tear to my eye. Why hadn't I written this before?
Sent: 15.07 - 18/7

iToilet, how friggin stupid. I'm not afraid of some good mac parody but thats just a waste of time and energy. I didn't even crack a smile.

Why don't you waste bandwidth on something useful you f**kin loser.


Name: CHATROOM MODERATOR
Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/yelowpunk
Hometown: NYC (minus twin towers)
Sent: 04.25 - 22/7

I dunno what you people see in PC's. I have a G4 and two PC's (a PIII and a Celeron, both 1gig+) and my G4 is only 500mhz. It beats the shit out of the PC's, except for booting. Booting sucks, but OS X is faster. I dunno, tho, Apple is going Microsoft, chargin for every little upgrade. BTW, PC's suck. I'm happy with 72dpi. and so is every other serious graphics designer. e have crip-ass digital 23-inch displays to make up for that. :)~


Name: Captain_Sideburns
Sent: 06.22 - 22/7

Hey chatroom moderator, just for that comment, I went to your site, saved the design to my hard drive, and I am gonna re-design it, make fun of it, and then I'll give you the link to the site. HAHAHA!!!

;^)




-Leo


J/K BTW. :D


Name: Grumpy
Hometown: BTW
Sent: 07.08 - 22/7

To Chatroom Moderator

You have 3 computers? Why is your website so um..pathetic.. then? Ah, maybe it's not the computer/s you use but the brains and skill behind it all -(or lack of)


Name: Logalot
Sent: 19.22 - 22/7

That was an ignorant, biased article which was probably written by retarted monkeys. For one thing, when you eject a CD, you can 1. Hit the eject button or 2. Drag the icon to the trash. Both ways ejects it immediately. Opinions are fine, but opinions based on fake facts, stated as a fact, and written like a monkey is just stupid. Please flush yourself down the "iToilet".


Name: Chicken
Sent: 23.53 - 22/7

"That was an ignorant, biased article which was probably written by retarted monkeys..."

Hehe, retarted.


Name: Wilma Fingerdoo
Hometown: Redmond, WA
Sent: 23.59 - 22/7

Would have been funnier with a Win98 WinToilet - particularly the Second Edition -- it's supposed to be better than the original WinToilet but really it just makes more turds get clogged.


Name: Chicken
Sent: 01.30 - 23/7

Logalot said in a very angry tone: "Opinions are fine, but opinions based on fake facts, stated as a fact, and written like a monkey is just stupid..."

Grammar aside, Logalot has made a very good point (it's something about monkeys, I think.)

Tell me Logalot, have you actually read the "facts" on Apple's website lately? Here are a couple of my personal favourites:

"Mac OS X has the Dock...Windows users have nothing like it!!!" (er, yeah, and the taskbar would be ... what, exactly?)

"...the new twin-engined G4 runs Adobe Photoshop up to 68 percent faster - and crunches digital video over 300 percent faster - than a 2GHz Pentium 4-based PC..."

Hmmmmmm, based on a few filters, under very specific conditions, and not even taking into account the blatantly obvious - that Apple are so desperate that they're actually having to pit TWO of their G4 processors against a single Pentium! This is dual-pipe flushing technology at its best!

And let's see, what would happen if Apple decided to run the same tests against a DUAL Pentium or DUAL AMD setup? Actually, Leo's link couldn't have come at a better time, because it shows exactly what happens:

"...the dual Athlon is still the fastest PC we've tested, but the single Intel P4 2.53 GHz machine runs a close second, and even beats the dual Athlon on some of the tests. And, as expected, the Mac dual 1GHz G4 could not even come close to keeping up with these two PCs. Even though the P4 machine has only a single processor, it was easy for it to leave the dual-processor Mac far behind..."

Oops. Oh dear.


Name: Kin Wicked
Hometown: Northants UK
Sent: 09.54 - 23/7

For all the excitement I had yesterday, NOT being anywhere near my computer, I really wish I could have responded in a more timely fashion to the "Chatroom Moderator".

As pointed out, his site is more than a little bit naff. I'd encorage you to check it out but that will only add hits to his page and inflate his already unstable ego.

Infact, grumpy hit the nail so beautifully on the head.
Timothy, as is his birthname, is some 16 year old kid who cant wait to turn 17, apparently. He loves to tell people he's cool because apparently he's just so darned "awkward". Awkward is as Awkward does so that probably explains his MAC fetish.

With his site looking very unstylish with a strange sort of dual gear/flower motif, and all in dull shades of grey, Timothy threatens to eat Celery if you dont like his site. If he gets an influx of people to the page, he'd better hope he cn get all his body needs from cellery.

Now there's an interesting thing...Mac users like bashing PC users for their beige and grey machines. Here's a young pup who incorporates this in his site but proclaims the Mac is king. Perhaps staring at those gordy colours makes mac users long for the serenity of beige (or something). When mac-heads invented the term "mac-envy" I can only presume that they knew envy all too well at the time but were too stubborn to swap to PC.

You see, Timothy (I hope I can call you that; Nob Cheese takes longer to write), when you make media, most do so in the hope of public viewing. This means that they will view it on various formats. Your media bites. It looks shit on all formats even if it does provide your eyes with a rest.

Also, are you aware that all your links are broken? I should be careful at sayinf how great you are with no port-folio to back it up!

"I have nothing to say, exept that with this webpage, I hope to make my own footprint on the 'web. I know there are pages that are 1000x better than mine, but I thrive on the fact that there's even more pages that suck." (From Tims 'About Me' section)

I'm afraid this is a prime example of those opinions not based on any facts. Tim, you are in the "even more pages that suck" catagory.

He as a page called 'fun things' on his site. Guess what? ITS EMPTY!!!! Now there's a shock, eh?

As to your beliefs on the screen resolution: You may think that your images and the like are beautiful on your mac, but the fact is that at higher resolutions your errors and blemishes will be far more easily noticed. It really doesn't matter how good your monitor is, You can buy a new monitor for your PC. You can go excessively large and imperceptibly flat and crystal clear, but the fact remains that if you are working in lower resolutions, your efforts will not look as good as in higher resolutions. Trust me on this point! Try blowing up a bitmap and see what I mean!

Finally, if anyone wants to contact Tim for the purposes of bombing, leaving virus's, making fun, sexual favours, use your imagination here...his e-mail was kindly left by his mediochre self: timothy@607design.com

Understand, all you lovely people, that under normal conditions I would not be so mean to a visitor. But the fact is that if someone hangs a 'kick me' sign about their neck, you kick them! (and again for good measure if they deserve it). You were easy, Tim! SO easy!

Kin Wicked


Name: Donald
Sent: 10.17 - 24/7

OH! So much has happened since I last wrote. What alot of lovely people there have been, though we must be vigilant. There are many who come and post once, we can't be sure if they will return for furhter ministering, but we can get those who write regularly: Chicken, Leo, Paul, Kin. These are the heathens, people. HEATHENS! Pity them. Threaten them. Make them see the error or their ways. We must convert them to Apple but they are resistant to the new Apple 'Switch' propaganda. They will be tuough nuts to crack.

In this installment from your friend Donny, I shall bring you a new hymn in the stylings of that well known christian verse: "Amazing Grace". Please all hold hands, stand, and sing: Amazing Case

Amazing Case,
How sweet and round,
Such beautiful eye candy.
A fear of cost,
I've never found.
I'll give Apple my money.

With picture; crisp.
With OS; new.
And concepts all of our own.
I care not for res,
Nor an MS view.
Mac ideas predate their own.

We trust in mac,
For it is good.
And so we shall proclaim.
We put down PC's,
Like everyone should.
We'll blindly call MS lame.

There's none more true,
There's none more right,
Than the tales of the Apple supreme!
We cant justify,
But for Mac, we'll fight!
Because the case, is the best, we've seen.

Amazing Case,
How sweet and round,
Such beautiful eye candy.
A fear of cost,
I've never found.
I'll give Apple my money.


Well, that's almost all for now other than to give my highest commendation to Deacon Tim. That's right Tim, you've been promoted. You have displayed the right stuff to advance through the Cult of the Sacreligous Apple: blind faith in your abilities, no sense of style or originality, and lots of framework with no content. Keep doing us proud!
Logalot and Wilmer Fingerdoo, we are arranging your marriage. Your sign up papers will be with you shortly. Please remember that failure to comply will result in an amount of brutality. It is Cult policy! Thank you for your comments here. Keep up the ministering. We understand there is a lack of Mac use in Russia so we will be sending you to Siberia for a working honeymoon. Any current marriage vows should be terminated within the next three days. Thank you for your co-operation.
Keep smiling my lovely people. Follow the example of the boot screen! Smile and wait :-)

Until next time...
Donny


Name: Paul
Hometown: UK
Sent: 11.38 - 24/7

Donald,

As you're practically the man of the cloth in this forum, I thought I would ask on your supreme knowledge.

Some of my friends have called me God, which I feel slightly unconfortable with. What should I do, and should I worship myself?

-Paul


Name: Donald
Sent: 12.54 - 24/7

Paul the heathen. You address me and it makes me glad. Thou surely art a heathen if thou shouldst worship thine own self. If your friends see you as a deity and still you gather around the unholy icon of a wintel machine, then it is your duty to repent unto Steve Jobs. Prostrate yourself before a mac. You should 'slow' for a month and show your followers that you are doing so. ('slowing' is of the same concept as fasting. But when using a mac, we must concede that it would be an irony to use the word MAC and FAST in the same sentance.). After this period of 'slowing' you must buy an apple machine for yourself and one for each of your followers. This is the policy of the Cult of the Sacreligious Apple.

Let this be a lesson all who would profess to be gods.
Here endeth the lesson

Donny


Name: Chicken
Sent: 13.40 - 24/7

"...'slowing' is of the same concept as fasting. But when using a mac, we must concede that it would be an irony to use the word MAC and FAST in the same sentance..."

HAHAHAHAH! Classic!


Name: Donald
Sent: 16.22 - 24/7

Something amuses thee, Chicken?


Name: Flimbo
Sent: 21.19 - 24/7

Saw the iToilet.

I like MACS.

I've killed people for less than that.

Sleep well!

>:(


Another member of the Cultist Militants. Unfortunately...


Name: Chicken
Sent: 22.16 - 24/7

Hi there, death threat boy. Are you and Donny going to sacrafice me to your Apple God?

PS. Your IP number looks very familiar.
PPS. I know where you live.
PPPS. Sleep well ;)


Name: Kin Wicked
Hometown: Northants UK
Sent: 05.00 - 25/7

Today we celebrate, for 'tis the day that the Chicken was hatched. I ask you chicken: which came first: the chicken or the egg?

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y



Have a beige one, bud!

Kin Wicked

P.S.
I have a cold and feel like crap. I now know what it is like to be a Mac user!


Name: Donald
Sent: 12.01 - 25/7

Kin Wicked wrote:

"P.S.
I have a cold and feel like crap. I now know what it is like to be a Mac user!"

Bless you my child, but REPENT your sins!

Pau...er Donny


Name: Kin Wicked
Hometown: Northants UK
Sent: 12.43 - 25/7

Thanks Donny. I'll be sure to do that! got any chicken soup?

Kin Wicked


Name: Chicken
Sent: 16.56 - 25/7

Kin said: "Got any chicken soup?"
Hey! Don't look at me!
*electric chicken quickly hides*
And guys, thanks very much for the birthday greetings!!! (and I got your cards! Most appreciated!)

:D


Name: Paul
Hometown: Australia
Sent: 13.15 - 27/7

I agree that memory technology on current Apple desktops is crap, comparatively speaking. This is a major problem for any app that can't (or isn't written well) make good use of cache. Anything that makes good use of the cache in a G4 system, tends to scream, indicating that main memory technology in Apples is in serious need of an upgrade.

This is why I would love to get an Apple rackmount "server" for use as a desktop. ; )

The G4 CPU, is very capable though.

Chugging to a halt playing Flash? What OS are you running those Macs on?


Paul from Australia had written many comments prior and since this one, but it is this that becomes more relevant shortly


Name: Leo
Sent: 20.45 - 27/7

Hey Paul, did you forget the P4 is not x86? Nope. It's IA64 on an EPIC instruction set, not CISC, or RISC.


Name: Leo
Sent: 21.05 - 27/7

>Motorola taped out the PowerPC 8500 - aka the G5 - last week and is set to go into volume production real soon now at speeds of up to 1.6GHz - a higher clock speed than AMD's latest-generation, 'Palomino' Athlon is expected to ship at -


Higher clock speed than AMDs latest gen? Funny The Athlon XPs run over 1.8ghz which mean that it runs FASTER than the newest G5. Oh, and when the newest AMDs come out (Opteron), they will be going over 2ghz.


Name: Donny
Sent: 22.35 - 27/7

Greetings, it is I, Donny, high priest of the Cult of the Sacreligious Apple, leader of the brainwashed, blind follower of the path most sketchy!

Leo! Heathen! Wicked child! Spawn of his unholiness, Dark Lord Gates! Do you dare suggest that the computers of Apple are....slow? Wicked child! Wicked I say! REPENT YOUR SINS YOU WICKED WICKED EVIL DEMON CHILD OF THE GATES UNDERWORLD!!! Damn you to hell I say! Damn you!

Leo, thou shalt pay for your sins! Oh yes! Thou shalt pay dearly! THOU SHALT PAAAAAY!!! For once we convert you to the ways of Apple, thou shalt pay over twice as much for a computer! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Name: Leo
Sent: 22.56 - 27/7

Greetings Donny, I am Lhord Leo of Cult of Overzealous Orange. Darn you, darn you to heck I say!


Name: Paul
Hometown: UK
Sent: 11.58 - 29/7

(Australian) Paul wrote:

"I agree that memory technology on current Apple desktops is crap, comparatively speaking"

So, let me get this straight, Apple's main advantage processor wise is being able to fetch 4 instructions per clock tick, and yet the memory speed that it's fetching from is crap?

"The G4 can fetch 4 instructions at once, execute 8 instructions per clock tick and most instructions take only a single clock tick. You can expect great things from the successor of the G4."

So it takes 2 clock ticks to get 8 instructions to execute...so it actually takes 2 clock ticks to execute all 8 instructions, or 1 tick to execute 4?

Am I correct in thinking that if it can fetch 4 instructions per tick, the bus is 32bit - the same as a x86 based chipset?

Apologies if I'm wrong about any of the above.

-Paul (the other one)


Name: Leo
Sent: 15.30 - 29/7

Paul(UK): Yeah, I think the G4 is a 64bit processor, but with only 32bit output.


G4's also have a bottleneck in their performance too; the SDRAM memory I believe.


Name: Steve
Sent: 17.44 - 29/7

"G4's also have a bottleneck in their performance too; the SDRAM memory I believe."

Exactly! DDR is better than SDRAM! It DOES make a difference!! Please tell that to the numbskull a few pages back who insisted it means doesn't.


Name: Donald
Sent: 21.25 - 29/7

My apologies to you Leo. I was on a bad Acid Trip when I wrote my last comment to you. Dropped a bad "P" I think. Or maybe it was an "S", can't be too sure!

I would naturally not speak to a heathen in that manner normally. It's no way to convert you poor, redundant, foolish people. Also, I would like to correct myself. Bill Gates is not the Dark Lord as he is insignificant. As I would like to call him: unsuccessful. Our Dark Lord and indeed Creator is of course that lovely fellow: Steve Jobs.
I see now that we have a super new fellow in our midst by the name of Paul. Not the heathen, but the one from Australia. We can forgive him his origins for he is spreading the word well. Indeed his writing sound inspired, neigh - adapted! from our Dark Lord himself and as such will be added to our fast expanding scriptures. Infact we are presently tracking him down to write more for us. Paul, have you seen the men with the burlap bags and fluffy handcuffs yet? Keep your eyes open, they're getting closer! Wont it be lovely when you join the payroll of the Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple?

Anyway, onto our regular hymn, this time in the shape of that well known Christian verse: "This Little Light of Mine". Our adaptation is called: "This Little MAC of Mine" and teaches to lack humility and to blindly accept that Apple is best...

(Chorus)
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
OH, HOW IT MAKES ME PINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
MORE POWER SHOULD BE MINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
ON THE NET I WILL WHINE;
MAKES ME PINE, 'CAUSE ITS MINE, NOW I'LL WHINE.

Shove it under a cushion? NO!
I'll be proud of the form and line!
Beat Wintel into submission? CAN'T!
They're just jealous of design!
Buy a PC: break a tradition? NEVER!
I'll cope with my Mac just fine.
Denial is mine, mine, mine; I'll do just fine!

(Chorus)
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
OH, HOW IT MAKES ME PINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
MORE POWER SHOULD BE MINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
ON THE NET I WILL WHINE;
MAKES ME PINE, 'CAUSE ITS MINE, NOW I'LL WHINE.

Believe my Mac is fast? YES!
I'm gonna go on lyin'!
Believe Mac broke the cast? SURE!
PC don't have own line!
Convince PC users they're past? ERM...
I'm gonna go on tryin'
Go on tryin', tryin', tryin'; go on tryin'!

(Chorus)
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
OH, HOW IT MAKES ME PINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
MORE POWER SHOULD BE MINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
ON THE NET I WILL WHINE;
MAKES ME PINE, 'CAUSE ITS MINE, NOW I'LL WHINE.

PC users are all gay! TRUE!
This is how we pass our time!
To trolls that's what we say; GAY!
It's the best thing to do online!
Now we're gonna make them pay! YAY!
And I don't mean with a fine!
We'll get them cryin', cryin', cryin'; get them cryin'!

(Chorus)
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
OH, HOW IT MAKES ME PINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
MORE POWER SHOULD BE MINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
ON THE NET I WILL WHINE;
MAKES ME PINE, 'CAUSE ITS MINE, NOW I'LL WHINE.

We don't like them to fight. NUP!
We think it is a crime!
'Cause we know they're usually right. ERM...
They should all be doing time!
They make fun of our plight. GRR!
They're a bunch of overweight-porcine!
Fat Pigs Fat Pigs Fat Pigs!!!

(Chorus)
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
OH, HOW IT MAKES ME PINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
MORE POWER SHOULD BE MINE.
THIS LITTLE MAC OF MINE,
ON THE NET I WILL WHINE;
MAKES ME PINE, 'CAUSE ITS MINE, NOW I'LL WHINE.


Well, that'll do us all for now. One last note before I wend my merry way and continue my seven month preparation for Jobsmass, and it is to Paul The Heathen. Please stop pointing out glaring omissions and errors in our new ministers works. He had everyone sufficiently baffled and believing before you butted in. I have tolerated you thus far. Be sure not to slip from the graces of:

The Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple!


Toodlooo me lovlies

Donny


Name: Cult member
Sent: 04.20 - 30/7

http://www.pcworld.com/features/article/0,aid,102528,00.asp


Name: Trapezium Cuboid **Truly a comment worthy of high praise - well done!
Sent: 12.18 - 31/7

If only I'd thought of the iToilet. I'd be as rich as you Mr. Capitalist Chicken SCUM!
I'm a mac user and I think you're jealous of people like me. Why? Because I'm sick of PC users getting all the breaks.
I'm off to drop another E now.
Bye.


Name: Naked George
Sent: 16.57 - 14/8

And I quote "runs professional applications like Adobe Photoshop up to 90 percent faster than a 2.53 GHz Pentium 4-based PC". The new Apple Power Mac.

Nuff Said


Name: Leo
Homepage:
http://www.barefeats.com/pentium4.html
Sent: 17.36 - 14/8

Uh, Naked George, that doesn't justify the G4 as being the fastest processor. So what if it's faster in Adobe Photoshop? What about other applications, or maybe compiling code? I've noticed alot of Mac users justifing their case by using Adobe Photoshop.


Oh here, read this, It's a Dual G4 1ghz vs. a single 1.6ghz Athlon MP. Guess which one is faster ( and no, it's not the dual G4).


http://www.barefeats.com/pentium4.html


Name: Naked George
Sent: 17.48 - 14/8

I am a Mac Software Engineer, I know all about compiling code, and speeds.


Name: Naked George again
Sent: 18.06 - 14/8

Forgot to mention that on Tuesdays I like to dress up as a Turkey and spray my ankles with whipped cream and run around town screaming "Macs are the greatest!!" while doing back flips into fish ponds and then filtering the stuff floating on the surface between my teeth.

I also like to spread Peanut Butter on my cat's paws and tell it jokes about ducks. I also like to play ping pong with my toenail clippings while riding bareback on a donkey.

And once again, I am indeed a Mac Software Engineer, I know all about compiling code and stuff, and speeds and all that.


Name: Donald
Sent: 20.53 - 14/8

Alas I weep as I view the guestbook. My heart is too saddened to provide an installment of hymnal redemption to the masses.

Naked George (which, incidentally, IS his real name), we have to barr you from the Cult of the Sacreligous Apple for gross indecency. Your general devience outside of your work for The Cult would be happily overlooked under normal surcumstances but to come in here and admit to pasting your cats paws with peanut butter... it frankly makes us look darned silly.

You have ministered well to the masses which makes this task all the more unpleasant to undertake. But we can no longer overlook the magazine cut outs under your bed. Yes! We know about them! Very sticky pictures of Mr. William Gates. It is shameful and disgusting and you will now be banished.

Incidentally, this will not limit your ability to own one or more Apple products, and nor will it prevent you from continuing to endorse the company with future purchases.

I hope this has proven a valuable lesson to all who dare defy:

THE CULT OF THE SACRELIGOUS APPLE
"The true Path is sketchy at best"

Donny (your lovely minister chappy)


Name: Naked George
Sent: 21.13 - 14/8

Oh come on Eric, "idiot", you can do better than that. I mean, I must have to be really stupid to have an engineering degree.

And Donald, the message named "Naked George again", was sent by Leo, or someone pretending to be me. Not Me!

Banish me from the stupidity that is this guestbook, please !!!!


Name: Frank **The Brave Parishiner
Sent: 21.21 - 14/8

I contest The decision of The Cult.

I raise the point that Naked George (Keepin' it real, Mr. George!!), has conducted himself in the best possible traditions of The Cult:

1. Implying that Stephen Murray (Electric Chicken) is Gay. Add a further piont that he has implied an indecent relationship with Bill Gates. (I need not remind your first hymn in which you state: "To Call Him Gay Is Our Resolve")

2. Blatently ignoring all facts to make a point and thus "Blindly" following the cause. I refer of course to the assumption that Electric Chicken was the only provided name of the fiendish founder of this site, despite his name adorning the bottom of the site quite clearly.

3. Using no logic in his arguments to further enforce the resolve of the Mac user through confusion. I refer, of course, to his saying that: "PS: Mac user, I am a Software Engineer, not a user.". To a logical mind this could mean that the Apple is too unreliable to use when programming FOR a mac, so he doesn't use them, OR it could mean that He has no experience actually USING a mac, OR it could mean any darned thing you want it to mean.

4. "Bitching" about the heathen with no insightful remark. Naked George has successfully diverted the attention away from the Apple Mac's themselves and put himself in the line of fire by accusing the author Troll of creating a page then sitting back while everyone bitches about it. Obviously that is the whole point behind the iToilet but Naked George has managed to make it seem as though this is a terribly bad thing. In the end, he has sacrificed his own dignity for Apple.

5. He has repeatedly come back to the iToilet guestbook for no apparent reason. He seems to hate the author which is good, but he has also shown that despite his overwhelming dislike for the page and Bill Gates (Hmmm) and Windoze, he still keeps coming back to be thrashed by the comments of MS users. Some may say; "What Stupidity!". But I say, What Tenacity! What Courage! What Perseverence! What a GUY!

So I implore you, Elder Donny, Please reconsider your descision to cast out Naked George. Not merely a Mac user, but a software engineer and example to us all!!!

Cheers!

Frank


Name: Chicken aka STEPHEN MURRAY
Sent: 00.16 - 15/8

"...pasting your cat's paws with peanut butter makes us look darned silly..."

Yes, afterall, everybody knows that you're supposed to use custard.


I wonder if the Chicken was making light of us? Surely not!


Name: And another thing
Sent: 00.18 - 15/8

I doubt this guestbook could become any more surreal.....


Name: Chicken
Sent: 00.23 - 15/8

HINT: That's an invitation for you crazy people to MAKE it more surreal.


Name: Donald
Sent: 20.30 - 15/8

It appears to me that you have an advocate, Naked George. Though Frank is merely one of the parishiners, his contesting our decision to banish you from worshiping in The Cult has not fallen on deaf ears.

That in combination with your own pleas for re-admission:

"And Donald, the message named "Naked George again", was sent by Leo, or someone pretending to be me. Not Me!"

...has forced us to reconsider your status in the community. Once we have the nod from head-office we can process you readmission application and begin preparations for your readmission initiation ceremony. I hope your old scars have healed from the first time because we are about to re-open them again. I remember your first initiation; oh how you squeeled at the probe. We will use more lube on the firewire this time though. Actually, you seemed to quite enjoy that last time as I recall.

Hope to receive the new paperwork from you in due course. I look forward to welcoming you back to the Cult of the Sacreligous Apple.

Donny


P.S. Look out for more hymns soon!


Name: Chicken
Sent: 02.41 - 16/8

By the way Benro, you should go and read some of the posts earlier on in this guestbook. They're classic!

"The Ward" was my personal favourite. He wrote whole essays bragging about his amazing job, harping on about how everyone here is so immature, and then saying how great it was to be part of the Apple elite.

We shot him down a few times, and finally he snapped, and posted pages and pages of spam, something along the lines of "MACS RULE PC's SUCK!!) over and over again. He thought he was being anonymous. I checked his IP number and banned him on the spot, lol.

I still reckon he was a schoolboy. :D


Name: Donnald
Sent: 17.29 - 16/8

Vendetta on you Mr. Electric Chicken! VENDETTA! You blocked our high preist, The Ward! I didn't think you had it in you! VENDETTA! V E N D E T T A A A A A A A A!!!

Donny


Name: PK
Sent: 13.18 - 18/8

There is a spoof for the iDildo attachment for 'the mac lover' that was a classic.


Sent: 15.17 - 18/8

Your point is what?


Name: Kin Wicked
Hometown: Northants UK
Sent: 18.50 - 18/8

To the last poster - if you feel deprived of a really insightful comment, then we need only wait until tomorrow when "Naked George" will undoubtedly be back to work. (Though considering that he apparently has deadlines to meet and also seems to spend most of his time commenting here, playing pinball or taking many a 'five' on the couch, then I'm frankly shocked he's not been working all weekend!)

Come on George, give it your best shot! You've had a whole weekend to think of something clever to say. Knock us all dead with your great wit a repartee.

Kin Wicked (Awaiting the wrath of the nude one!!)


Name: Donald
Sent: 12.32 - 19/8

Kin Wicked, I'm afraid to inform you that Naked George will not be posting for a while due to his current involvement with The Cult Of The Sacreligous Apple. He is presently entering stage seven of the reinitiation process involving a one buttoned hamster and a big tube. He successfully passed the masturbation contest, but then that's just something we all enjoy at break times, not actually part of the serimony.

We are now trying to track down "the Ward" since it has become clear he has merely been banned and not killed. My seniors in The Cult have informed me that we have officially ended the vendetta against Mr. Chicken for his act and will simply continue to call him gay and proclaim that he is jealous of the Apple Mac...etc

In other news, our choir group and their leader have gone mysteriously missing, so no more hymns at present unless we can find a musically inclined parishiner to take on the role.

Lovely Donny


Name: Jake, Mac fanatic
Homepage:
http://www.apple.com
Sent: 15.37 - 19/8

SHUT UP DONNY YOU IDIOT! I don't think you're really a member of some Apple cult at all, if anything you're making a mockery of religion and I hope you burn in hell for it. Furthermore, you're making us genuine Mac fanatics look like insane morons.

I was telling this to my pet lampost last Friday and he agreed, although at the time he was playing chess with Zippy, my imaginary poodle, and so wasn't paying full attention. That's the last time I feed him toasters. Or parrots.


He will be won over in time! We can wait!


Steve Jobs - That's All Folks!

That's All (for now) Folks!

 

 

Return links:

Cult of the Sacrilegious Apple

Electric Chicken iToilet Ellen Feiss Test Flush Guest Book Hall of Fame