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And with the recent unveiling
of the new iMac, Steve Jobs
had an idea.
"I have an idea!" he said. "Since most folks seem to think our new
iMac is just a really really expensive desk lamp, maybe we should
start manufacturing household appliances!"
Steve then danced around a bit, before adding "Hey! Since we're in
the business of making crap, why not start with a toilet?!"
And so the iToilet was born. Apple fanatics the world over applauded
the idea. Everyone else paid no attention. |
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| * Well, if truth be
told, Apple has yet to find a way to equal the superiority and speed
of the Pentium, but Steve Jobs insists that adding the second pipe does
make the iToilet flush twice as fast (Hey, we did it with the G4 and
nobody realised!) |
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Flushing made easy - it's not
just your money that goes down the drain! |
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People with bog-standard (no
pun intended) toilets have to pull a stupid chain when they want to
flush. The Apple iToilet also has a chain, but try as you might, pulling
it won't have any effect. We did the same thing with the eject button
on the G4.
But flushing the iToilet is very easy! In fact, the flushing procedure
will be very familiar if you've ever used an Apple computer, as it
works in much the same way as ejecting a disc or deleting a file.
Follow these simple steps for a first class ticket to flushing heaven:
STEP 1: Pick up the items you wish to dispose of (yes, really.)
STEP 2: Drag said items to the waste disposal area.
STEP 3: A message will pop up asking if you really want to
delete the items. STEP 4: Click the yes button.
STEP 5: Wash your hands. |
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What if Things Go Wrong? |
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*Okay, let's not delude ourselves
here. We might not mention it in our advertising, but an iToilet
user will frequently suffer every toilet user's nightmare: Clogging!
This is an occurrence that is
particularly common with the iToilet, and you will just have to put
up with it! It's not our problem!
Clogging will happen at the most inconvenient of times.You will be
happily going about your
'business' when all of a sudden you will be rudely interrupted by
the following error message:
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Stupid boring idiotic people
who choose to use other cheap inferior toilets (such as the ridiculously
fast Microsoft "Toilet 2000" or "Loo XP") have to unclog the old-fashioned
way - by pressing the "unclog" button. We laugh in their faces because
the procedure is just so much quicker and far more fun with the iToilet!
To unclog, follow these simple instructions:
STEP 1: When the message box pops up telling you that the
iToilet has clogged, simply click the restart button in the dialogue
box. Keep clicking this button until you realise that it won't do
anything anyway because the iToilet has totally frozen and is not
responding. Proceed to Step 2
STEP 2: Press and hold the following keys on your iToilet keypad:
Ctrl+Shift+Alt+Command+Esc.
This doesn't do anything either, so proceed to Step 3.
STEP 3: Restart your iToilet by inserting a straightened paperclip
into the restart pin-hole. This is located in a hard to reach place
at the back of the iToilet. The paperclip will break and get stuck
in the pin-hole, invalidating your warranty. Proceed to step 4.
STEP 4: Carefully lift the toilet seat. Close it, then lift it
again. Nothing will happen. Proceed to Step 5.
STEP 5: Place your hand in amongst the muck that is clogging up
the pipe.
STEP 6: Simply feel around for another tiny pin-hole which is
also hidden away in a difficult to reach place and push another straightened
paper clip firmly into the pin hole. Because you have your hand submerged
in water and are touching metal you will be electrocuted.
This is not Apple's problem and we insist that the pin-holes are a
good design feature and are part of our "Think Different" policy.
You might want to have a look at "Apple Care"
which now includes life insurance (please note that death by electrocution
is not covered.) Proceed to Step 7.
STEP 7: The iToilet will suddenly restart by itself for no apparent
reason, and even though you are "bursting to go" you must wait patiently
for it to load (this is really really really slow when compared to
other toilets, but hey, the iToilet looks funky and there's a cute
little smiley face for you to look at while it loads!) Once the iToilet
has (finally) loaded it will still be clogged. Wash your hands and
proceed to Step 8.
STEP 8: Proceed to Step 1. |
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A toilet to be proud
of. |
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hope we have convinced you that you can't possibly go wrong with an
Apple iToilet! Apple is dedicated to creating user-friendly products
that are good value for money*
*Please note that unlike other toilets, the iToilet is not compatible
with toilet paper (which is an outdated item according to Steve Jobs.)
Also, your initial $2500 iToilet purchase only includes
the toilet bowl. Other items like the toilet seat, chain and pipes
are sold separately at $700 each. Apple considers these items as 'non-essential'
(just like the 'non-essential' items not included with the G4 such
as a monitor, floppy drive or software for the DVD burner to write
data DVD's)
Also, please note that an iToilet cannot be installed
in a bathroom |
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For
more information regarding the iToilet contact Electric Chicken:
ruffledfeathers@electric-chicken.co.uk
www.electric-chicken.co.uk
Alternatively you can sign the guestbook.
iToilet spoof advert written by Stephen Murray. March 2002. iToilet
rendered images designed and modelled by Stephen Murray. The iToilet
has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Apple. It is a joke (you
knew that right?) and is not meant to offend.
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